There are moments when you want to hug someone and cry your heart out. There are moments when you want someone to comfort you and tell you that all is going to be well.But then there are moments when you look for a helping hand and you find none. It’s a terrible feeling to go through this all alone. It takes tonnes of motivation to muster courage and fight against the challenges which lie ahead of you each day. But probably I am not alone. Probably there are countless number of people who are fighting out there. Fighting to find their identity. Fighting to find their purpose in life. Fighting to break away from the social norms. Fighting to smile and please themselves for once.
At such an early age, sometimes it blows the wits out of me when I ponder over my thought process. At this stage, while some of my peers are competing to complete their masters from the most prestigious institutions, while others have just started climbing the corporate ladder in a race to attain professional glory,here I am, lost in a whirlpool of my thoughts. And I realize the reasons for it. I feel that I have experienced and seen a lot of things at an early stage of my life. I had already experienced the corporate when I was expected to be bunking college lectures, I had already turned financially independent when I was expected to demand pocket-money from my parents, I had already completed my educational pursuits while my counterparts just began their journey and I had already experienced the pleasure of pleasing my materialistic ego when I was expected to become serious about my career.
And the result is here. While a majority of people would consider me as already well settled, I, on the other hand consider myself as the most messed up person. I have lost track of my corporate aspiration. Corporate does not interest me any longer. While it remains as a a fantasy world for many, I consider it as Nazi gas chamber where your dreams are dying a slow yet painful death.While my consulting job can only feed me with money, power and position,my true craving lies in genuine happiness and inner peace. Hence, I want to quit this job forever. I have lost my motivation for pursuing higher education. I feel, I have already worked so hard in accomplishing myself, that I don’t have the patience of repeating that cycle once again. Hence, I do not know if I really want to invest my time in higher studies when there is no real value addition. Money, house and car have lost their charm. Materialistic possession do not hold any substance for me now. While I have had the option of turning myself into an ATM machine, I have realized that money cannot buy solitude and happiness.
Then what is it that I want to do? Then what is it that I am searching for? What does the present and future beholds for me? Is it that I have hit the quarter life crisis? I feel as if Almighty has thrown me in an endless deep ocean. I am trying to swim. I am scared of drowning. I want to live. I don’t want to die so early. I want to fight. I want to find my shore.
I feel after twenty three years of my existence, breathing day in and day out with myself, I still don’t know who I am. I still have so many unanswered questions about myself. I believe, the most difficult phase of your life begins when you start searching for your own self. When you start searching for the purpose with which Allah sent your soul wandering into this world. That search can sometimes stretch to years and in some cases probably to a lifetime. I am a wanderer. I am a lost soul who is finding his purpose in this world. The picture is a bit hazy. But I know I will find my purpose. I know I will find my shore. I know I will find myself one day. Because one day, I will stop caring for what this world would think of me. Because one day, I will start living for myself. Because one day, I will be happy. Amen.