Category Archives: celebrations

Who am I?

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There are moments when you want to hug someone and cry your heart out. There are moments when you want someone to comfort you and tell you that all is going to be well.But then there are moments when you look for a helping hand and you find none. It’s a terrible feeling to go through this all alone. It takes tonnes of motivation to muster courage and fight against the challenges which lie ahead of you each day. But probably I am not alone. Probably there are countless number of people who are fighting out there. Fighting to find their identity. Fighting to find their purpose in life. Fighting to break away from the social norms. Fighting to smile and please themselves for once.

At such an early age, sometimes it blows the wits out of me when I ponder over my thought process. At this stage, while some of my peers are competing to complete their masters from the most prestigious institutions, while others have just started climbing the corporate ladder in a race to attain professional glory,here I am, lost in a whirlpool of my thoughts. And I realize the reasons for it. I feel that I have experienced and seen a lot of things at an early stage of my life. I had already experienced the corporate when I was expected to be bunking college lectures, I had already turned financially independent when I was expected to demand pocket-money from my parents, I had already completed my educational pursuits while my counterparts just began their journey and I had already experienced the pleasure of pleasing my materialistic ego when I was expected to become serious about my career.

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Image Courtesy – Google

And the result is here. While a majority of people would consider me as already well settled, I, on the other hand consider myself as the most messed up person. I have lost track of my corporate aspiration. Corporate does not interest me any longer. While it remains as a a fantasy world for many, I consider it as Nazi gas chamber where your dreams are dying a slow yet painful death.While my consulting job can only feed me with money, power and position,my true craving lies in genuine happiness and inner peace. Hence, I want to quit this job forever. I have lost my motivation for pursuing higher education. I feel, I have already worked so hard in accomplishing myself, that I don’t have the patience of repeating that cycle once again. Hence, I do not know if I really want to invest my time in higher studies when there is no real value addition. Money, house and car have lost their charm. Materialistic possession do not hold any substance for me now. While I have had the option of turning myself into an ATM machine, I have realized that money cannot buy solitude and happiness.

Then what is it that I want to do? Then what is it that I am searching for? What does the present and future beholds for me? Is it that I have hit the quarter life crisis? I feel as if Almighty has thrown me in an endless deep ocean. I am trying to swim. I am scared of drowning. I want to live. I don’t want to die so early. I want to fight. I want to find my shore.

I feel after twenty three years of my existence, breathing day in and day out with myself, I still don’t know who I am. I still have so many unanswered questions about myself. I believe, the most difficult phase of your life begins when you start searching for your own self. When you start searching for the purpose with which Allah sent your soul wandering into this world. That search can sometimes stretch to years and in some cases probably to a lifetime. I am a wanderer. I am a lost soul who is finding his purpose in this world. The picture is a bit hazy. But I know I will find my purpose. I know I will find my shore. I know I will find myself one day. Because one day, I will stop caring for what this world would think of me. Because one day, I will start living for myself. Because one day, I will be happy. Amen.

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M.I.R.A.C.L.E.S – Part I

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After a long break, today I have finally decided to pick up the pen and pour my heart out. This year has been no less than an emotional roller coaster ride for me. I have seen and experienced the myriad shades of my emotional being. I felt myself as an artist’s impression transiting from the shades of deep grey to bright yellow. The artist here being the Almighty and I, being a mere extension of his thoughts being painted on the canvas of life.Oh! how badly I hated this artist when he painted me in deep grey. I felt like taking away the brush and painting the canvas all by myself  in all the bright shades of yellow. But the irony is, I am a mere impression of his thought process. I am one of those several million canvases he keeps stroking with his brush and puts on in his exhibition of life. I am nothing but just a human being.

The month of January had started with the declaration of CA results. No matter how strong I appear, I was left emotionally devastated on realizing that I had missed my goal. I think more than being disappointed with myself, I was hurt with the cold and callous attitude of some people on the professional front whom I respected and unfortunately considered as my mentors. I was taken aback with the fact that people could stoop to their lowest level to attain professional glory even if it meant invading the emotional space of the other being. I had never felt so weak and helpless. But probably, that is the way corporate works. I had locked myself away from the world and cried. I cried like a child. I was angry with the Almighty. After all, his own creations were trying to destroy and supersede the other. I remember sitting alone for long hours with just remorse and tears in my eyes pondering over the infinite dark space that lay ahead of me.  I found my companions in books and music. I remember how Tehmina Durrani (the author of My Feudal Lord),had expressed her belief in miracles and Allah. I too longed for it. I too longed for a miracle to happen. I too longed for the divine intervention. But I guess Allah couldn’t hear my prayers. Each day was a struggle. A struggle to survive the emotional imbalance I had encountered. A struggle to regain my self- respect and dignity. My fight with Allah had begun. I discarded all items symbolizing faith and humanity and challenged his own being. Why is it that his followers have to prove themselves? This time, he had to prove himself, his very own existence or else he was losing on one of his loyalist.

Come March and the spring was somewhere around. The tormentors had their share of pie and were about to part ways but they still spewed poison like pythons. 14th March, 2014 is a day I will remember till my last breath. A random click of mouse here and there on the laptop. I was about to shut down the system but thought of just checking  the status of the revaluation result of CA exams. Rarest of the rare cases were people who cleared the CA Final exams in revaluation. Allah was not by my side. Despair and hopelessness was only I could think of till that moment when somebody painted a stroke of bright yellow on my canvas. I was left numb and couldn’t move a muscle. I felt choked with temporary loss of voice. I remember shouting aloud and calling my mother and every single person to just see if this yellow was truly yellow or had I turned color blind. That day I understood the meaning of MIRACLE. That day Allah proved his existence. That Holi was and will always be the most colorful Holi of my life. Because that day, Allah had filled my canvas with all the colors of his palette. That day, my faith was restored forever.

And he held back my hand till eternity....

And he will hold my hand till eternity….

The pythons had their bait ready. If 3 months of continuous spewing of poison was not enough, there was more to come. This time, the pattern had changed. This time, the poison was being spit against me through others.

I calmly ignored it. A single thought went on in my mind. If I will stoop to their level, then I was no less python. I let it go off. Go off the bunch of good memories I had.

Spring had set in. Flowers were blooming and the pythons had left the garden. Only bluebells, lilies, camellias, dahlia, gardenia and lilacs were to be seen. There was bright sunshine and eternal peace. I felt my canvas was his perfect creation.

 

 

C’est la vie!

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Searching through an old memorabilia, I realize how badly I have missed the pure joy of writing in these past years. I have deprived myself of the enthusiasm brought by every single comment sent across by someone reading my thoughts in a corner of the world. I have failed to jot down and share my experiences of work, travel, education, money and relations. In short, I have missed to share my life ~ Time for some sweet revenge @ bitsnbytesoflife

Well, it is time to break the monotony. It is time to tighten the reins of my life and do what I have cherished and missed all this time. It is time to love myself back for what I am, for what I think and for what I have. All these past months and years gone by, I have learnt to hold my head high with dignity and respect. I have worked hard all these years to make a niche for myself. I have seen the highs and the lows. I have tasted the sweet fruit of success and the bitter syrup of failure. But all throughout, I have learnt. I have learnt to make lemonade when life threw lemons at me.

Yes, I failed. Yes, I could not make it in the first attempt. Yes, I have to wait for another five months to prefix the two letters before my name ‘CA’. I have dedicated five years of my life to this profession and all these years my respect for it has manifold. I feel you never cherish something until you realize its worth. I had been reading omens for some time now. Something was telling me that it will not be November, 2013. Something was holding me aback from thinking November, 2013. I had envisioned May, 2014. I have never been a person who has believed in omens or sixth sense. But off late, I have realized that there exists a karmic connection. As a matter of fact, year 2013 has been really restless for me. I was not able to enjoy anything, be it travelling, catching up with friends, watching a movie, reading, writing blog or even working in office. I thank almighty because the storm has crossed and has left some unsettled sand. I have picked up myself, trying to get hold of the old me – a determined, courageous and a hard-working person. This storm has made be more determined to fight back and chase my dreams. It is said that you do not fail if you fall down. You fail only when you do not get up to walk again. Yes, I have fallen down. But I have got up with more determination to cross the finish line this time. I have got up for my happiness, for my dreams and for my life.

Yes, I cried. I cried out aloud. But I cried for having stood through this failure. Life is all about the choices you make. I have made a choice to be happy and give my last shot to it. This time I have promised myself to gift those two words ‘CA’. I believe my success has only been delayed by five months. For all the tireless efforts of my family, for all the midnight oil I have burnt in the bygone time, for all the endless sacrifices I have made, I have to fight. These failures are just learning lessons for success. It is your choice whether you want to cry over the spilled milk or bounce back with a winning spirit. I have chosen the latter.

Last but not the least, I have been mesmerized by a poem of Robert Frost which I read long time back during school days and which perfectly sums up my thoughts, “The road not taken“.

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Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

So let your spirit rise up against all odds and miseries. Do not let failures boggle you down. Fight for your existence. Fight for your loved ones. Fight for your dreams.

P.S. I had something different in mind for the opening post of 2014. But I didn’t find any reason for not starting this year with an inspiring and a motivational post for all the readers. 🙂

Moving on with Bits n Bytes

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Dear Bits n Bytes of Life,

Its been approximately four years since I started this journey with you. I was 17 then and had a small world.  A world made of dazzling dreams and bestowed with a promising young mind that could differentiate between good and evil. I always had an urge to retain my identity in the crowd, to speak up my mind and fly like a free bird  cutting through the complexities of life, high, very high, towards that endless sky. You have  seen me grow, you have  nurtured my emotions, you have been  my personal space, a mark of my  existence. Bits of experiences and lots of experiments have embossed your soul. You are my alter ego, a lost treasure where I can find shreds of my existence still alive , memories which I will always cherish and experiences which I will always uphold.  Above all, you have taught me the most important aspect to ” Speak, Listen and Share”.

You are where you are supposed to be – strolling along my side  through the phases of life. Thanks for being there, for bearing my anger, for sharing my happiness, for comforting me in the toughest of times, for listening to me, for feeding my appetite for writing and for all the smiles you have brought to my face.  

 

My first Interview @ Grant Thornton – Part I

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I guess the title certainly gives you an idea of what the post is all about. 🙂 Finally I got my first break and that too at an MNC. Little butterflies throttled my stomach as I proceeded to give my first “official ” interview. Riding to Gurgaon dressed in formal at 7 in the morning with the mist just setting in. And within next one and a half hour I entered the corporate hub. There was just one thing in my mind “to give my best shot and utilize this opportunity to the hilt”. Finally I reached the office on 21st floor, DLF city square. What a rosy site !I mean I was absolutely spell-bound by the corporate culture. And with those small steps I entered the office remembering that just one and half-year back these steps entered the school classroom enjoying the company of the steps of my classmates 🙂 . I went to the reception and the lady directed me to be seated in the conference room. And what next ? I was followed by 16 more people vying for the same post . I hardly interacted with anyone. Most of them were either graduates or had a year work experience. I thought I was absolutely naive in comparison to them. But what helped me keep my hopes intact was that today at such a young age I am competing with professional’s who already know the tricks of the job. Finally the head of the HR department arrived. I filled up the personal information form, next a pre- interview form assessing my strengths, weakness, my interests, my hobbies, my academic achievements etc. Next was the written test round. From here on eliminations took place. A one hour test assessing general awareness, knowledge of accountancy, mathematical soundness, English and finally a logic test . The test got over at around 12:15 pm. Next, lunch was served. And finally results were declared. I was chanting god’s name and was praying hard that please don’t take this opportunity away from me ( I already had an altercation with my mother who was absolutely against the idea of going for an interview which is another long story 😛 ). Finally the HR head announced my name in the second place. 12 people were selected and remaining 4 were rejected. Without any break now I had to face the HR. In the sequence the names were announced I went for the HR round. ” Good morning ” I mumbled. “Good a-f-t-e-r-noon Arpit” :). Oops! my first mistake but that was overlooked as I had an entertaining conversation with the lady who was in her late 30’s carrying a gleeful smile after each of my reply. The other one was I guess assessing my body movements and silently noting down something. Finally she abruptly ended the conversation and said ” you performed well in the written test as well as HR round which means you have qualified for the manager round ” 🙂 .And I felt ecstatic. In the next 20 minutes I had my lunch and was the first one to be called for the manager round. This was the second last round which meant I was just 2 steps away from becoming a part of the GT family. Finally the manager came in , greeted me and started with his task. A series of questions were bombarded by him simultaneously testing my knowledge of accountancy , audit and taxation which I think I handled confidently and correctly. The session lasted for another 20 minutes. He told me the HR will contact you for the next round as the person who was going to take the next round will be coming next week. I felt relieved. So its been 2 days since the interview and I am patiently awaiting for a call for the final round. Every time my mobile rings I pray that it’s a call from GT . So still I am praying and awaiting for a call. Lets see what happens in the coming week as I am keeping my fingers crossed but whatever the end may be but this was my first BIG BREAK and will always remain the most special one.

P.S.- Finally after 3 days of cold war my mother broke her silence and talked for the first time. And what about her opinion now? She has always been supportive and will continue to be. 😛