After a long break, today I have finally decided to pick up the pen and pour my heart out. This year has been no less than an emotional roller coaster ride for me. I have seen and experienced the myriad shades of my emotional being. I felt myself as an artist’s impression transiting from the shades of deep grey to bright yellow. The artist here being the Almighty and I, being a mere extension of his thoughts being painted on the canvas of life.Oh! how badly I hated this artist when he painted me in deep grey. I felt like taking away the brush and painting the canvas all by myself in all the bright shades of yellow. But the irony is, I am a mere impression of his thought process. I am one of those several million canvases he keeps stroking with his brush and puts on in his exhibition of life. I am nothing but just a human being.
The month of January had started with the declaration of CA results. No matter how strong I appear, I was left emotionally devastated on realizing that I had missed my goal. I think more than being disappointed with myself, I was hurt with the cold and callous attitude of some people on the professional front whom I respected and unfortunately considered as my mentors. I was taken aback with the fact that people could stoop to their lowest level to attain professional glory even if it meant evading the emotional space of the other being. I had never felt so weak and helpless. But probably, that is the way corporate works. I had locked myself away from the world and cried. I cried like a child. I was angry with the Almighty. After all, his own creations were trying to destroy and supersede the other. I remember sitting alone for long hours with just remorse and tears in my eyes pondering over the infinite dark space that lay ahead of me. I found my companions in books and music. I remember how Tehmina Durrani (the author of My Feudal Lord),had expressed her belief in miracles and Allah. I too longed for it. I too longed for a miracle to happen. I too longed for the divine intervention. But I guess Allah couldn’t hear my prayers. Each day was a struggle. A struggle to survive the emotional imbalance I had encountered. A struggle to regain my self- respect and dignity. My fight with Allah had begun. I discarded all items symbolizing faith and humanity and challenged his own being. Why is it that his followers have to prove themselves? This time, he had to prove himself, his very own existence or else he was losing on one of his loyalist.
Come March and the spring was somewhere around. The tormentors had their share of pie and were about to part ways but they still spewed poison like pythons. 14th March, 2014 was a day I will remember till my last breath. A random click of mouse here and there on the laptop. I was about to shut down the system but thought of just checking the status of the revaluation result of CA exams. Rarest of the rare cases were people who cleared the CA Final exams in revaluation. Allah was not by my side. Despair and hopelessness was only I could think of till that moment when somebody painted a stroke of bright yellow on my canvas. I was left numb and couldn’t move a muscle. I felt choked with temporary loss of voice. I remember shouting aloud and calling my mother and every single person to just see if this yellow was truly yellow or had I turned color blind. That day I understood the meaning of MIRACLE. That day Allah proved his existence. That Holi was and will always be the most colorful Holi of my life. Because that day, Allah had filled my canvas with all the colors of his palette. That day, my faith was restored forever.
The pythons had their bait ready. If 3 months of continuous spewing of poison was not enough, there was more to come. This time, the pattern had changed. This time, the poison was being spit against me through others.
I calmly ignored it. A single thought went on in my mind. If I will stoop to their level, then I was no less python. I let it go off. Go off the bunch of good memories I had.
Spring had set in. Flowers were blooming and the pythons had left the garden. Only bluebells, lilies, camellias, dahlia, gardenia and lilacs were to be seen. There was bright sunshine and eternal peace. I felt my canvas was his perfect creation.